Helping Families and Friends Honour Their Little One
Still Birth
Neonatal Loss
Young Baby Loss
Remembering your baby after a stillbirth

For many people, the loss of a baby leaves them feeling shocked, isolated and empty. It is difficult in this traumatic time to realise that later, you may treasure memories of your baby and items relating to this time.
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With so little to remember their baby by, it can be difficult to know how to commemorate the huge loss, of both their baby and the future that might have been.
Whilst the grieving process often begins as private and intimate, some then choose to honour their baby’s short life with a tribute page, in which donations are given to a charity of choice. This allows friends and family to show their support through messages and donations, and provides a channel through which to turn grief into something positive. You can support Tommy's stillbirth research through an In memory page and the donations help fund our research to prevent pregnancy loss. A lot of mums and dads also choose to ask for donations to Tommy’s at their baby’s funeral if one is held, instead of flowers.
Making a memory boxA memory box is a box or envelope that holds items that are related to the birth and to your stillborn baby and that will, in future, allow you to remember your baby and this time with more clarity. Ask your midwife about creating a memory box.
You may want to take photos of the baby or take handprints or footprints. Your midwife can help with this.
Some hospitals are able to store these keepsakes for you if you aren’t ready to take them home yourself. Or you could put them in a sealed envelope or box, which you can open when you’re ready.
If a twin or triplet has died, you could take a photograph of your babies together. One day you might want to show a surviving child their twin or sibling.
Some hospitals offer a memory booklet to record details and measurements of your baby.
You might want to collect scans, pressed flowers you’ve received, letters, the cord-clamp or your own or your baby’s hospital name band.
‘The things we have to remember Arthur are now some of my most treasured possessions. I wear a locket necklace every day with a photo of him in it and a lock of his hair. We have some beautiful photographs and moulds of his footprints. It keeps his memory alive to be surrounded by these mementoes.’ Kathryn, who lost her son Arthur at 36 weeks
'A few months after we lost Chloe I created a memory chest and a photo book of my journey with her. The box was made because the very small memory box they give you at the hospital is so impersonal, and just too small to capture everything we wanted to. So my husband made a large wooden chest, which I painted and decorated. It is about the size of a toy chest. In there we have the following:
  • Chalkboard that we used through the pregnancy to take photos each week, it still says 40 weeks, the photo was taken the day before I went into labour.
  • I have all the sympathy cards people sent us, and cards from bouquets of flowers we received.
  • I have a photo album with the hard copies of all the photos we have of Chloe.
  • The clothes we were both wearing the day I went into labour.
  • The nail varnish that I had worn that day.
  • The memory box the hospital gave us.
  • The clothes we dressed Chloe in along with her blanket, all still unwashed.
  • Her little socks.
  • Her ID bracelet and discharge paperwork.
  • The results of the post-mortem.
  • All my prenatal records.
  • The strip of paper from the last time we heard her heart beat.
  • Her hand prints and foot prints.
  • A few books on grief that we were advised to read at the time.
  • The photo book I made - this shows in chronological order all of my pregnancy, delivery, and the 12 hours we spent with her. It's like a photo storybook.
  • A USB stick with all the photos on.
  • A book that I write letters to Chloe in.
  • A Christmas bauble ornament with Chloe's name on that we will hang on the tree every year as a family tradition (I have a matching one for my son now too, who is six months old).
When I sit and look through it I am taken back to those feelings, and honestly sometimes I really need to just sit in that and feel it wash over me again. But then when I have had my time looking back through everything I can put it away and focus on my day to day life again.' Diane, who lost her baby Chloe at 40 weeks (read Diane's story here)
Remembering your baby in the futureAs time passes, you might want to think about continuing to collect and make memories.
Some parents decide to mark anniversaries. These are likely to be triggers for your grief so be aware of this and look after yourself. Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, your baby’s due date, birth date, the day of the funeral – these can all become difficult days. You might want to think about taking time off work, or marking important dates in some way.
‘Every year on Erin’s birthday, we do something to commemorate her memory. We release biodegradable balloons like we did at her funeral and we take time as a family to do an activity.’ Bethan, who lost her daughter Erin
If you have other children, they may want to celebrate their sibling’s birthday.
How you remember your baby is personal to you and your family. Here are some ideas:
  • You may want to get a piece of jewellery made, engraved with your baby’s name or their hand or footprint.
  • You may want to plant a tree – in a pot so you can take it with you if you move, or in a garden or special place.
  • You could choose a special candle holder and light a candle when you want to have quiet time or on special dates.
As time goes by grief will continue to hit you in waves. It might be unexpected at times.
'I got really upset about what would have been Rhianna’s first day of school. When I saw all the little five year olds, I burst into tears.' Kerry, who lost her baby Rhianna Lily at 24 weeks (Read Kerry's story here)
Be kind to yourself. Don’t expect too much. Give yourself time and space to grieve and to remember your baby.
How some have chosen to remember their babyBelow are some suggestions of other things that you can do to help create special memories:
  • Keep letters and cards.
  • You may wish to press the flowers you receive.
  • Many families find it helpful to write about their experiences. Try writing a diary or a letter to your baby.
  • If you have lost your baby during or after the birth, the first few days are crucial for gathering moments and memories. Spend as much time with your baby as you want. You can often visit your baby after leaving hospital. Some families may wish to take their baby home with them for a day or so.
  • It is natural to spend time talking, touching, cuddling and comforting your baby.Being together as a family is often very important. You may want to include other family members or close friends.
  • You can dress, wash or undress your baby as you wish. Some mothers wish they had undressed their babies to look at their bodies. You may like to keep the clothes your baby wore. Take as many photographs as you wish. You may like some photographs of the baby being cuddled by you and different family members. Don’t be afraid of taking close up shots.
  • Take a lock, or several, of your baby’s hair. The hospital will also make hand, foot and ear prints if you wish. Keep hospital nametags and other items and keep them in a special memory box.
You may not feel like doing any of the above so soon after you have experienced your loss, this is completely natural. But we have found that many mums and dads often come to regret this decision once they have had more time to start coming to terms with what has happened. We suggest not throwing things away immediately; it is never too late to start creating memories
Say goodbye to your stillborn baby through a ceremonyPlanning a funeral or memorial for your stillborn baby can be a special way to commemorate your baby’s memory. If your baby was born after 24 weeks, or was born alive at any stage of pregnancy, you’re legally required to bury or cremate your baby’s body. Otherwise, it is a personal choice.
You may also decide to bless your baby in the hospital. Ask to speak to the hospital chaplaincy team. Your own religious figure may also be able to come into the hospital and do a blessing for you.
'The service was a lovely simple service, just the three of us, with Rhianna Lily in my arms the whole time. In her white blanket that had held her mummy and held her brother. It was such an important blanket and one that she had to have with her, it was the only thing that we could give her and I was so grateful that even though she’d been changed no one had removed that blanket from her.' Kerry, who lost her baby Rhianna Lily at 24 weeks (Read Kerry's story here)
It is your decision whether you have a small, private funeral for immediate family, or whether you decide to have a bigger funeral ceremony for your stillborn baby and invite friends and extended family.
Read more about planning a funeral or arranging a blessing here.
Remembrance servicesLater, you might want to attend a remembrance service. Ask your hospital chaplain if the hospital holds a service for babies who have died there.
‘Saying Goodbye’ services are held at cathedrals across the UK, the USA and Canada for people who have lost a child at any stage of pregnancy, at birth, or in infancy, whether recently or in the past. 
Creating an In memory pageWe hope that by offering our in-memory tribute page service, we can in some way aid this process. You can also take comfort in knowing that all donations received through tribute pages come directly to us, and are put towards our research projects. So, any donations you raise help us to find out why babies are lost during pregnancy and birth, and will prevent others’ experiencing the loss you have felt.
If you have any questions about setting up a tribute page, or have any problems whilst doing so, please contact us at community@tommys.org or call on 020 7398 3400.
Create an in-memory page
Spending time with your baby before the funeral
Burial
If you choose a hospital funeral it may not be possible for your baby to be buried. Ask your hospital about your options.
Shared grave
If your hospital does have a burial option, it may be in a shared grave with other babies. They would be in their own coffin.
It may comfort you to know that that your baby is not alone, but this is not for everyone.
There will be no headstone for shared graves. However, there may be a place to put a plaque elsewhere in the cemetery.
Ceremony
Hospital funerals may be shared and are conducted by the chaplain in the hotel chapel, crematorium or cemetery chapel. No religion will be referenced so they will suit all denominations and parents regardless of their beliefs. You can make requests about what you would like but it may not be possible for shared ceremonies. Speak to the chaplain about what you would like and see what your options are.
You should be able to invite close family and friends to the ceremony if you choose.
Some hospitals may provide an individual ceremony. In this case, you would have more choice about what you want. It will be similar to what you would expect if you planned a funeral yourself or with the help of a funeral director.
Planning the ceremony for your baby
If you don’t choose a shared funeral at the hospital, what happens at the ceremony is up to you.
It can be very small, with just family and your closest friend, or you may decide not to invite anyone at all.
If you’re religious, you may have a set structure to follow. Although this may give you less freedom to adapt the ceremony, it can provide religious or spiritual comfort.
If you are not religious, you could ask the funeral director, an independent celebrant or even a close family member or friend to lead the ceremony. It can be as personal as you want it to be.
Here are some things other parents have had in their ceremonies:
  • poems
  • readings
  • live or recorded music
  • bio-degradable balloon release
  • lighting candles
  • asking for donations to the hospital that looked after their baby or a baby charity
  • avoiding black and asking guests to wear bright colours or white instead
  • having a white coffin and asking family, friends and siblings to write messages on it
  • encouraging family and friends to write letters to place in the coffin
  • making an order of service with a picture of their baby, with their name and dates on the front.
​Choosing an outfit
You can choose what you want your baby to wear in their coffin. For very small or premature babies, some hospitals stock tiny clothes that they may be able to give you. Or you may want to bring some special clothes from home. Some parents keep a copy of the outfit in their memory box. You can also wrap your baby in a special blanket if you like.
There may be other items that you want to include in your baby’s coffin. Some parents say that it’s comforting to know their baby isn’t alone in there. You might like to include photos of your family, a special teddy or toy, or a letter you’ve written to them. Siblings could draw a picture or write their own letter to their baby sister or brother.
Burial
Cremation
Own grave
If your baby is in their own grave, it may be in a special area of the cemetery for babies. Find out what you are allowed on the grave as there may be restrictions.
Organising the funeral yourself or using a funeral director means you will have the choice between burial and cremation. If you choose a burial, there are options about where your baby can be buried, including:
  • a cemetery
  • a green woodland site
  • in consecrated grounds
  • on private land.
Burying your baby at home might feel right but try to think about the future, for example you might decide to move away at some point.
Cremation
The hospital may offer you an individual cremation or a shared cremation with other babies. If available, individual cremation is offered for babies who died after birth or were stillborn.
Cremated Remains
The hospital should let you know when your baby’s ashes will be ready to be collected.
​Planning a funeral for your baby
By law, any baby born after 24 weeks must be either buried or cremated. However, it is up to the parents whether or not to hold a service.
ORGANIZING a funeral
It’s your decision how you choose to say goodbye to your child. There are lots of people who can help you with funeral arrangements.
Funeral directors
If you want more choice, you can work with a funeral director. You may have to pay a fee but most funeral homes will offer a reduced rate.
The hospital
Most hospitals can arrange a funeral for you, usually free of charge or for a small fee.
For hospital funerals, a lot of the paperwork and decisions will be done for you and you may find that your choices are limited. As an example, some hospitals provide shared ceremonies and shared graves, whereas others may only be able to offer cremation.
ORGANIZING the funeral yourself
​It is possible, if you want and feel able, to arrange the funeral yourself. This will involve speaking directly to the crematorium or cemetery.
You can include whatever you like in your ceremony – you may have important religious wishes that you would like recognised, or you may want a non-religious event with poetry and singing.
"Daffodils were there the whole time she was alive. And we ended up having daffodils for her funeral because they’re so bright and they’re so pretty, but they don’t live very long. And that was Melody.”Julz, Melody’s mum
Some parents keep it private to just the two of them, or a very small group of people. And you can also choose not to be present at all. If this is what you want, the hospital and undertaker will make all the arrangements for you.
Try to take some time before making any decisions, and remember that you can change your mind.
When should our baby’s funeral take place?
There is no rule or law about when your baby’s funeral has to happen, but normally it will be within 2-3 weeks. Take your time and think about what you would like to do. Talking to those close to you might help and they may be able to assist you in your planning.
Although the hospital will probably want to know if you’d like them to arrange your baby’s funeral before you go home, the staff can let you know who to contact if you haven’t yet decided.
Don’t feel under pressure to rush any decisions
Where will my baby be kept before the funeral?
Before their burial or cremation, your baby will be kept safely in the hospital mortuary or the funeral home. You can visit them there.
Registering your baby’s life and death
Before you can hold a funeral, you will need to obtain a birth and death certificate for your baby. At the same time as getting this you’ll also be given a form to permit burial or cremation, which you can then pass on the funeral director or hospital, depending on who is making arrangements for you.
The hospital or funeral director can help you with this and any other forms.
Find out more about registering your baby’s life and death.

​Welcome

When we experience the death of someone we love, a service fills several important needs. In this section you’ll learn why it’s important to have a funeral and how it can start you on the path to healing.

​ A funeral is a time to honor the life of the deceased and celebrate the heritage of their family. We strive to make each funeral a respectful, fulfilling experience that meets the unique needs of each family.

The Bitterest tears shed over graves are
for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.


– Harriet Beecher Stowe

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