Helping Families and Friends Honour Their Little One
Still Birth
Neonatal Loss
Young Baby Loss
Spending time with your stillborn babySpending time now with your stillborn baby could help you cope with the grief later.
Although it can be a hard thing to face, you will have to decide whether to spend time with your baby or not after the birth. It is your choice whether or not you do this, but it can be an important step in your journey of grieving. If you choose to do it, it will be hard and upsetting but it is also very special. Parents have said that this has helped them cope with the grief later.
Recognizing your baby as a real person is important. Take time to create memories and acknowledge your baby’s existence in the world.
Hold your babyAfter the birth you’ll be able to choose whether you see, and hold, your baby. This is a very personal choice and one you can discuss with your midwife.
Years ago many women who had stillbirths were not allowed to see their babies. Some are still sad they never had this chance.
Think about how you feel now, but also how you might feel in the future. Many mums told us that they were glad that they spent time holding their baby, even though they didn’t want to at the time.
If you’re frightened about what your baby might look like, you can ask your midwife to describe him to you first, or take a photo for you to look at before you make the decision.
You might choose to just see your baby’s hand or foot. Your midwife can help you with this.
Remember that it is OK to change your mind. Don’t hold back from asking to see your baby even if you have already said no. If it is possible the hospital staff will help you.
'It’s normal to change your mind. Any decisions you make around seeing or not seeing your baby don’t need to be final. Even if you don’t want to see your baby, having a photograph (even on a memory card), or a memory box you don’t open, is better than regretting your decision not to have anything at all.' Vicky Holmes, specialist bereavement midwife
Spend time with your babyYou might want to dress your baby in particular clothes, wrap him in a special blanket or bathe him.
You might want to sleep with your baby in a cot next to you for the night. The hospital can provide a special cool cot for this.
You might want to read a story to your baby, or sing to him.
Take as much time as you need. It is your child, and your decision. It is up to you who is with you and who is not. You will get support from hospital staff.
Some parents decide to take their baby home with them. Legally you can do this, unless a coroner or procurator fiscal has ordered a post mortem.
Ask your midwife for information about this. You will need to fill in a form and find out how best to keep your baby cool at home.
'Owen stayed at home with us until the funeral. His nursery was all ready for him so it felt natural to keep him there, in a coffin in his cot, for the following three days. It was comforting for us to have him with us at home.' Keith, who lost his son Owen at 38 weeks (Read Keith's story here)
This is your time, your baby, your memories – and you will know what’s best for you and your family.
You may decide to name your baby. If there is any uncertainty around your baby’s sex, you could choose a unisex name.
After being discharged from the hospital, you can still arrange to return to the hospital to see your baby. Contact the labor ward, mortuary or bereavement midwife who can arrange this for you. When the time comes for your baby to go to the mortuary, you can carry him there. This gives you the chance to meet the people caring for your baby.

Read more about creating memories of your baby here
Read more about planning a funeral or arranging a blessing here.
Spending time with your baby before the funeral
Burial
If you choose a hospital funeral it may not be possible for your baby to be buried. Ask your hospital about your options.
Shared grave
If your hospital does have a burial option, it may be in a shared grave with other babies. They would be in their own coffin.
It may comfort you to know that that your baby is not alone, but this is not for everyone.
There will be no headstone for shared graves. However, there may be a place to put a plaque elsewhere in the cemetery.
Ceremony
Hospital funerals may be shared and are conducted by the chaplain in the hotel chapel, crematorium or cemetery chapel. No religion will be referenced so they will suit all denominations and parents regardless of their beliefs. You can make requests about what you would like but it may not be possible for shared ceremonies. Speak to the chaplain about what you would like and see what your options are.
You should be able to invite close family and friends to the ceremony if you choose.
Some hospitals may provide an individual ceremony. In this case, you would have more choice about what you want. It will be similar to what you would expect if you planned a funeral yourself or with the help of a funeral director.
Planning the ceremony for your baby
If you don’t choose a shared funeral at the hospital, what happens at the ceremony is up to you.
It can be very small, with just family and your closest friend, or you may decide not to invite anyone at all.
If you’re religious, you may have a set structure to follow. Although this may give you less freedom to adapt the ceremony, it can provide religious or spiritual comfort.
If you are not religious, you could ask the funeral director, an independent celebrant or even a close family member or friend to lead the ceremony. It can be as personal as you want it to be.
Here are some things other parents have had in their ceremonies:
  • poems
  • readings
  • live or recorded music
  • bio-degradable balloon release
  • lighting candles
  • asking for donations to the hospital that looked after their baby or a baby charity
  • avoiding black and asking guests to wear bright colours or white instead
  • having a white coffin and asking family, friends and siblings to write messages on it
  • encouraging family and friends to write letters to place in the coffin
  • making an order of service with a picture of their baby, with their name and dates on the front.
​Choosing an outfit
You can choose what you want your baby to wear in their coffin. For very small or premature babies, some hospitals stock tiny clothes that they may be able to give you. Or you may want to bring some special clothes from home. Some parents keep a copy of the outfit in their memory box. You can also wrap your baby in a special blanket if you like.
There may be other items that you want to include in your baby’s coffin. Some parents say that it’s comforting to know their baby isn’t alone in there. You might like to include photos of your family, a special teddy or toy, or a letter you’ve written to them. Siblings could draw a picture or write their own letter to their baby sister or brother.
Burial
Cremation
Own grave
If your baby is in their own grave, it may be in a special area of the cemetery for babies. Find out what you are allowed on the grave as there may be restrictions.
Organising the funeral yourself or using a funeral director means you will have the choice between burial and cremation. If you choose a burial, there are options about where your baby can be buried, including:
  • a cemetery
  • a green woodland site
  • in consecrated grounds
  • on private land.
Burying your baby at home might feel right but try to think about the future, for example you might decide to move away at some point.
Cremation
The hospital may offer you an individual cremation or a shared cremation with other babies. If available, individual cremation is offered for babies who died after birth or were stillborn.
Cremated Remains
The hospital should let you know when your baby’s ashes will be ready to be collected.
​Planning a funeral for your baby
By law, any baby born after 24 weeks must be either buried or cremated. However, it is up to the parents whether or not to hold a service.
ORGANIZING a funeral
It’s your decision how you choose to say goodbye to your child. There are lots of people who can help you with funeral arrangements.
Funeral directors
If you want more choice, you can work with a funeral director. You may have to pay a fee but most funeral homes will offer a reduced rate.
The hospital
Most hospitals can arrange a funeral for you, usually free of charge or for a small fee.
For hospital funerals, a lot of the paperwork and decisions will be done for you and you may find that your choices are limited. As an example, some hospitals provide shared ceremonies and shared graves, whereas others may only be able to offer cremation.
ORGANIZING the funeral yourself
​It is possible, if you want and feel able, to arrange the funeral yourself. This will involve speaking directly to the crematorium or cemetery.
You can include whatever you like in your ceremony – you may have important religious wishes that you would like recognised, or you may want a non-religious event with poetry and singing.
"Daffodils were there the whole time she was alive. And we ended up having daffodils for her funeral because they’re so bright and they’re so pretty, but they don’t live very long. And that was Melody.”Julz, Melody’s mum
Some parents keep it private to just the two of them, or a very small group of people. And you can also choose not to be present at all. If this is what you want, the hospital and undertaker will make all the arrangements for you.
Try to take some time before making any decisions, and remember that you can change your mind.
When should our baby’s funeral take place?
There is no rule or law about when your baby’s funeral has to happen, but normally it will be within 2-3 weeks. Take your time and think about what you would like to do. Talking to those close to you might help and they may be able to assist you in your planning.
Although the hospital will probably want to know if you’d like them to arrange your baby’s funeral before you go home, the staff can let you know who to contact if you haven’t yet decided.
Don’t feel under pressure to rush any decisions
Where will my baby be kept before the funeral?
Before their burial or cremation, your baby will be kept safely in the hospital mortuary or the funeral home. You can visit them there.
Registering your baby’s life and death
Before you can hold a funeral, you will need to obtain a birth and death certificate for your baby. At the same time as getting this you’ll also be given a form to permit burial or cremation, which you can then pass on the funeral director or hospital, depending on who is making arrangements for you.
The hospital or funeral director can help you with this and any other forms.
Find out more about registering your baby’s life and death.

​Welcome

When we experience the death of someone we love, a service fills several important needs. In this section you’ll learn why it’s important to have a funeral and how it can start you on the path to healing.

​ A funeral is a time to honor the life of the deceased and celebrate the heritage of their family. We strive to make each funeral a respectful, fulfilling experience that meets the unique needs of each family.

The Bitterest tears shed over graves are
for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.


– Harriet Beecher Stowe

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